I Resort To My Pillow As A Shoulder

And so, life is changing for me. As for an update on everything, Adriana is growing fast, I'm growing as a person, I'm getting married and going to Japan.

Mike is coming back at the beginning of July, after many pushes back, and I still don't know if it's final. We are going to be in Rhode Island, he has leave for about 2 weeks so we will be together for that time. We will get married, not a big wedding yet, and spend that short time together because I can't get to Japan until about September, if we're lucky (fucking government). Due to the sponsorship crap we have to wait, so we can have all my stuff paid for. Which is good because someone doesn't know how to save money. So as of now, I will getting married in July and leaving the country in September. To do all this, once we get married, I have to change my name on my social security card, my VA driver's license, get a military ID (I think), GET PASSPORTS, pay off all my debt, and get everything packed and/or stored. Along with all this chaos, I have to work my ass off at my $5.75 job, because there's no way I can get a higher paying job for 2 months or so.

And right now, I reall really have to pass my classes, which I'm worried about because I've missed so much, I don't know if I'm gonna pass everything. But I think in the end I will pass and I won't have to pay for all my scholarships and stuff. I'm getting an incomplete for one class so I have the whole summer to get all that done.

As for Adriana, she's almost 4 months old now. I cannot believe how much she has grown. She "talks", holds her head up good, can kinda sit up, grabs stuff, plays, stands up in my lap. It brings so much joy to my heart to see her smile and hear her laugh (and I'm crying right now). I just hope that I can get her out of this life we live right now, soon. I'm so tired of living by others rule, getting scrutinized all the time, and getting treated like I'm a kid again. I'm not a kid anymore, so fucking treat me like I'm an adult.

I still hope, though hoping seems just about pointless anymore, that what I'm doing is right for Adriana and I, and for Mike. I really love them both, there's nothing I would like more than to have us be together finally. But people keep making me have a complex. I tell people that I'm getting married and they say one of two things: Wow, isn't it too early for that? Or they say, That's good, that's good for you and Adriana, you know, the benefits, insurance, etc etc. No one even thinks about saying, Well, if that's what's going to make you happy, or, i'm glad that you found someone, or anything along the lines of my emotions and feelings. So that has made me think about if I'm pressing on because I want stability in my life and a father for Adriana. It pains my heart to even say these things, but people make me think too much. But really, if I didn't love him then why would I be so faithful, loving, and why would I worry about what he's doing all the time, who he's with, and why would I feel anger when I know someone (some whores) want to fuck him? So I think I just quashed that doubt.

So, so many things to do, people to see, so much money to make and give out, so much time til I'm offically happy...