Observing The World From A Window In Time... A Real Blog

Well, it's time that I finally post a real blog, though I will finish publishing my anthology of poetry.

First, I need to organize my thoughts into rational ideas; Here are the topics:
Friends
Family
Motherhood
Self
Love

I have to say, the friends I do have are quite amazing. After the birth of my daughter Adriana, I have received so much love and support. I know that some of my friends kinda only communicate every once in awhile, but I still love them. Above all, Alyssa is the best friend I have ever had. We aren't the traditional couple, talk all day everyday and spend the night together all the time, but we still love each other regardless. No matter what, we always come back to each other and confide in each other giving the best advice that we can whether it hurts or not. There is no other than the eclectic Alyssa Tyree; I love you!!

Now about family. This topic is a bit touchy, but there aren't going to be many people to try to poke at me after reading this. I currently live with my sister, bro in law, niece, and nephew. I was living in the dorm at ODU, but the whole having a baby thing put me in the situation of having to find somewhere to go to raise her or put her up for adoption. I finally told my sister I was pregnant 6 months into the pregnancy and she offered her help, for which I am very grateful. I'm glad that I have the chance to raise my child, all thanks to them. On the other had she still acts as if she controls me, which drives me insane, but I guess I have to suck it up while I'm there. My past consists of familial issues including death, custody, and an absentee mother, but I try very hard not to let those things get in my way, and I think I have succeeded so far.

Motherhood. Now that's a completely different ball game. I have so many mixed feelings when it comes to this. On December 30, 2006 I gave birth to Adriana Elise Smith: a baby girl weighing 5lbs 15ozs, 19" long, brown hair, blue eyes: The most beautiful little person I have ever seen. Due to the circumstances with her father, I am a single mother for now. The father, who I don't have the heart to name, has decided to not be a part of her life because he is "young" (16) and "immature", which are all true, but still don't give him the excuse to be an asshole. Don't get me wrong, Adriana was made out of love; I mean goddamn, I loved him to pieces, but I guess I found out how he really was in the end. When Adriana was growing so innocently in my belly, I was a combo of excited, scared, sad, happy, and anything in between. At first I though I would give her up for adoption, but then I realized that I would regret that decision for the rest of my life. My mother didn't feel the need to raise me as her daughter that she loved, so I want to be the mother to my daughter that my mother wasn't to me. Now, I'm in school, about to get a job, and raising her; it's hard, but everyone knows that. I'm doing the best I can, she's healthy and happy and I love her so much. I didn't think I could love such a little person so much, and it will always be that way, she comes first to all.

About my evaluation of my self worth. I really don't have the best self-esteem. I have tried to look positively at myself, but I guess with my cloudy past I feel like I have done something wrong. I know that I can't control what has happened, and that it's all in the past, but I guess it just haunts me still. If I don't correct this problem I could very well lose one of the best things I have/have ever had. Also, due to being fucked over so many times, I have a problem trusting people. I can love someone with all my heart, but still feel like there is something I'm missing. And I feel that if I trust that person I will end up being naive and I will get screwed over. Not only does this apply to love relationships, it applies to friendship and family. Sometimes I feel I can't trust family either because they gossip so much, and what the hell do you do when you can't talk to your family?? As I grow as a person, and my life changes, I will in turn tweak my character flaws.

And finally, the most sensitive topic: LOVE. This simple four-letter word is the most complex thing on the face of this multifaceted Earth. I have loved a few times, and thought I have loved a few times too. This is where my trust is tried; I've had the worst luck in the relationship department. Here's the saga: 10th grade I dated someone for 7 months and he got bored, and this one was especially hard because we lost our virginity to each other. Then 11th grade I met an amazing guy, a month after we started dating he had to move 3 hours away, we were both devastated. We dated for five more months, but it was so painful not being able to see him, and I still haven't seen him since the day he left. Then not long after that I dated someone else, loved him immensely of course, and then he decided to become a Marine. Along with his communication problem, he changed too much at boot camp so I had to end it. So, senior year right after that, I started dating a freshman, yeah I know, sounds crazy, but he was different. We dated from September 05-July 06, but in the middle I got pregnant. I never thought it would be me, but it happened. We tried to figure out what to do, but we kinda just let it go, and he still loved me and I loved him. But in the end, I was screwed, to be left standing hurt, broken and alone. I didn't think it was possible to go on after that, but I did. And I have found something better, so much better. And this is where I currently stand: in love once again. This man I have fallen in love with is Michael Lee Murphy. A 22-year-old man in the USAF (a military disaster) with a brain, a big heart, a soul made of sugar and never ceases to make me laugh. He lacks the amount of seriousness that I have, but that just makes our relationship lighter, except when it comes to important conversations :p He's so unique in his thoughts and musical tastes along with a mind as sharp as a knife. Once I thought I couldn't love someone so much, but now, I know I could never love another man like I love him. When we met, we both didn't think that our relationship would go far, especially since I was pregnant, but we have grown to love each other a lot, in all settings. But here's the kicker: Air Force=oversees stationing so AF+ Lisa= not happy! Yep, there it is, a military man, one's I can't seem to stay away from, is now stationed in Japan. He was close by, like 15-20 minutes from me, now he' going to be halfway around the world. This has caused a staggering blow to our relationship, but, and a BIG but, we're going to try to see if we can hold on. I know I can't stand to think of him with someone else, loving someone else and I don't have any desire to be with anyone else. We want to be together so we have devised a way to be together. And that is: wait a few months until I can get passports and some ticket money, then he will come back and I will make the biggest decision of my life, that is marry the one I think is the man I should be with for the rest of my life. Then, after, I will go to Japan and Mike, Adriana, and I will live there for his 2-3 year assignment. Factors to get us to work include me getting Medicaid crap and child support papers in line and/or settled, telling my family, and most importantly Mike deciding whether he wants to be a husband and father at 22 or if he wants to do more things in life and see more people. I have fear in the things that need to be done and decided, but I think I need to have hope and optimism for us to be together for this to work. Right now we both want to get married and I come to Japan so hopefully that will be what happens.

So the future for me is full of exciting things, ifs, possibilities, and life changing events. 6 months or so from now I will either be:
1. Married to my love and living in Japan, with Mike as Adriana's father and Adriana's biological father with no ties to her whatsoever except DNA, or
2. Heartbroken and getting child support for Adriana from a father that doesn't give a damn.

I guess that just about sums up what my mind is torn up over these days. When things happen, I'm sure there will be more blogs spilling my brain, heart, and soul contents, without preservatives...